Wednesday, January 8, 2020
The Definite Maybe T13
(13 ways to say no to a four year old)
1. soon
2. not yet
3. not always
4. hardly ever
5. probably
6. possibly
7. we'll see
8. maybe, maybe not
9. if it doesn't rain
10. when the tide goes out
11. not until tomorrow
12. after the mailman comes
13. ask your father
http://newthursday13.blogspot.com/
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We'll see works for children of all ages.
ReplyDeleteIt do indeed. As does maybe, and probably. My mother used "we'll see" endlessly, and it was years before I realized it mean "not a chance'.
DeleteOh yeah; "We'll see" is the standard.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're five, "we'll see" means later: when you're eleven, you realize it means "never, ever, let's just forget you asked, I already have." (meaning, "I already phoned ahead, and yes you're going to HAVE that shot, get over it.")
Deletevery familiar
ReplyDeleteI used it repeatedly last year when I was being pressed to teach workshops and do other projects I didn't want to spend energy on. It got through without my having to be mean and shout NO! IN YOUR DREAMS! which more nearly described how I felt.
ReplyDeleteOh, been in that spot, and discovered magic in a simple "no'. No explaining, no "maybe later', or "in a week or two, we'll see" or even 'not right now'. You just say, flat out, kindly, firmly, "no" and that's an end of it. It works on adults, but not on kids. They always want to know "why notttt".
DeleteMen do it all the time, and no one argues. Then I figured out why.
Except when it doesn't. With the groups I deal with it doesn't. Indirectness is key. A direct no leads to endless aggressive attempts to force compliance. It's taken as a challenge, not a refusal! But we'll see is unchallengeable. So I go with it. Avoids hard feelings, too. You have to read the room.
DeleteI think it's more effective if you're dealing one on one--groups are different animal, for sure. It also works much better if you really don't care what they think, as in 'this is the last straw"
DeleteI ran into the revelation a few years back when I was involved with a music festival locally, and we needed publicity. I had done the 'doling out the posters' routine the year before to great success. This time, however, we had a new boss, and she wanted to do the t-shirts and handouts thing. At the show.
Stupid doesn't even come close on that one.
I said, give me 200 posters and I'll make sure they get put up, in a 40 mile radius. They finally made up 20, on the last week of prep. When i got there I saw the tiny wad of posters, and thought, no way.
"just put them up the morning of the show..."
I looked at the posters, and looked at her, and said 'No." End of discussion.
And when I left, the posters stayed where they were. At that point I really didn't care.
But no one argued. No one said, 'oh but..." and I thought about that all the way home. If I had said,"oh, there aren't enough," or, "I really don't want to..." i'd have found myself the morning of the show, putting up posters in town.
It's definitely different, I agree, when you're dealing with a group of people with wildly divergent ideas...
Does "no" no longer work? I was always told "No, because I said so." And that was it.
ReplyDeleteMany women cannot say 'no". it sounds harsh, rude, angry. So we say "probably not" or 'I dont THINK so". Another woman gets that immediately, but a man hears doubt, and he'll push. And it can be enlightening the first time you just flat out say 'No. Not going to do that" and walk out. No one argues.
DeleteWomen and men tend to speak similar but different languages, as do many cultures, and it says a lot about what happens when you cross over into the 'man's language"...
I love this! My children are now 52, 57, 58 and 59. Don’t think I considered more than ‘not right now and maybe later.’ Dad was busy pursuing a medical degree so THAT certainly wasn’t an option. Happy New Year!
ReplyDelete