Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What I Miss That Cannot Be Regained (whine alert)

The photo negatives my mother threw away in her last year--all the negatives that covered 80 years in the family--just dumped.  Her excuse?  "I didn't think  you wanted them...';

I'm the last one alive in this branch of the family and there is no one left to draw on for duplicates of any of them.  The only photos I have now are the ones that were in albums that she gave me one year. She had no idea why I would even want them,

silly, perhaps,  but I miss the paper dolls of mine she threw away, telling me they were being given to a little girl who didnt have any.  I realize now my mother did not give things away, she took them to the dump.

I miss the Fantastic Four (first six issues) she convinced me to get rid of.  I hadnt learned yet to not listen to her, lol  Her reasoning, I was too old for them.  uh huh.

I miss the pump organ she dismantled and hauled to the barn one day when I was in school. For years if I got down flat on my belly on the barn floor I could see the  ivory keys glinting on the ground under the barn..  Her excuse?  "I didnt think you cared, you NEVER play it..." (only every day, Mother)

All the letters she and my dad wrote to each other before they were married. I never read them, out of a sense of  privacy, but I knew they were in the attic...'were' being the operative word there.

I had a ton of GoldenBooks as a kid (the good ones, not the Disney knock offs they have now) and they mysteriously disappeared too.  Probably the same invisible little girl got those too.

All the jigsaw puzzles, comic books, coloring books, toys, dolls, childrens books, games... Her excuse?  yep.

It was as if she was erasing me from her life,  one thing at a time.  She did it with my dad's stuff too, come to think of it,  when I cleaned out the house before  it was sold there wasnt a single invoice,  letter, ledger, nothing left to show he had ever existed.

Yes, this is whining.  I'll try not to do it again.  But there are times when the only way through a puzzle is just that, straight through it and out the other side.  None of this can be changed, made right, or brought back.  I may come to terms with that eventually, or not at all.   What is really scary, her sister did the same thing (my birthmother, btw),  threw away or dumped all the family photos in HER life,  anything she had. I never did see those.  She even threw me away by dumping me on her sister. Oh, hot potato time, lol.  My husband once said, its a wonder you can form full sentences, and he may be right.  

And strangely enough,  I do the same thing with my own stuff, now.  And  I find myself inching toward all the school papers my husband;'s mother faithfully saved, year by year, and when I do reach that stage I always ask first, and he always says, "I want to save them" I do try to honor that, ignoring that genetic Need to Throw Things Away...


  1. Not silly, nor whining. Very very sad to read. Makes me want to give you a dolly!

  2. it is sad, and scary, in a way. and oh the dolly would be nice, Boud, but Im afraid Mr.Bear might terrify her. he's as big as he looks, although not ferocious (even though he gets grumpy when his bear juice isn't chilled), but its hard to explain that, I know.

    Understanding that this is as much a family trait as anything mitigates it somewhat, which does help...and i can see the same stuff in me, so I have at least a measure of control over it.

  3. Oh gee whiz, my mother did pretty much the same thing. I still forever hate that line, I didn't think you wanted it. Hugs.

  4. The meanest part was picking the book/toy/puzzle off the floor and dumping it, then telling me 'I never played with it anymore". I still remember a jigsaw puzzle called BigRed, of a famous train coming straight at me in the picture. I can still see it lol. Gone.

    You have my undying sympathy. Still stings, doesnt it.
    I think it must have been code for "its in my way and I dont want it, sooo..."

    Yes, hugs.

  5. Upside:
    My mother NEVER tossed ANYTHING, so when she passed we had BOXES of old photos & other great stuff that (fortunately) my sister took possession of after we other siblings either claimed or passed over.
    NEVER tossed ANYTHING, including every empty Pringles (potato "chip") tube she'd had in the last8-10 years of her life, or the shoebox full of ketchup packets pilfered from Wendy's, etc, etc, etc.

    So lick you wounds if you will, JT; but count your blessings.

  6. oh i hear you about the pringles tubes, my mother saved old jars for storage, (the depression lives on) she had a closet full of clothes--once she discovered the salvation army she never missed a week there (we both grew up with never quite enough clothes to satisfy) and sadly all that stuff went back to the S.A. where it originated.
    But it was the peripherals, the bits of someone else's life that she tossed. Not her own.

    she also saved the last four cigarettes from the last pack she smoked, with a note about the date (1975) ...

    I know . I know.